100 Day Challenge: Day 45
Wow, big win today.
I realized a particularly sly little habit that permeates my routine.
A little background first: My major weakness is a fear of being judged and rejected by people. Subconsciously I have a need to feel accepted even if that means not being myself. That's all fine and good. I realized that a long time ago 
So really what's the big deal? What is it that I learned about myself myself today?
Well, I'll tell you
I can't remember exactly how I stumbled onto this, but I realized while I was walking to my car after classes that I have a tendency to want people to feel sorry for me. Or something along those lines. I pull the: I'm a college student card a lot. Most people react like: "Ahh I see." Or I pull the I'm overworked card, I'll talk about being a full-time student and how working on top of that wears me out. Then if I'm not getting what I want or someone tries to play "One Up" I pull the Karate teacher card.
All in all, yes my life is hectic, I know this and from what I've realized today I've drug everyone else into knowing this.
Those unconscious habits can be real buggers to find.
I find it strange that in some way I feel accepted when people feel sorry for me. Very strange since I've come to the realization that I really want people to look up to me and respect me. Genuinely respect me. Which now that I think about it, is most likely why this showed up for me. I want to be respected and how can you really respect someone you feel sorry for?
I also got to have a long conversation with Mr. Smith on Life, the Universe, and Everything. It ended up lasting about three hours.
One of the things I took from the conversation among many was the idea of a mind map. It's something I'm going start doing with things this Saturday and see what interesting things I can pull out of my head. This idea is important for me because I can see things fairly clearly in my head, but I have a hard time getting them down on paper a lot of times. That's because I think spatially and to go from a three dimensional idea to trying to write it down on a two dimensional piece of paper is just plain difficult.
Talking with Mr. Smith I can see how these mind will help me fill in holes in my ideas and they'll also give me a sequence so I can see a path forward instead of trying to jump around all the time.
Mr. Smith also gave me a suggestion with my teaching, he wants me to pay attention to how many times I say: no. I see that this will benefit me not just in teaching but will benefit my life overall.
Everyone make your day a great one!
100 Day Challenge: Day 23
Really this should be day 23.5.
This morning I was reminded of the saying: "It takes 21 days to form a habit." I don't believe that, it's been my experience that you start to form a habit after 21 days, but at that point the actions start to be picked up by your subconscious and it will start pushing back. It will ask you if this is what your really want, it will try to distract you, it will play tricks on you.
Why would your own subconscious do that? Well it's where a lot of your core identity is. It's where the beliefs about who you are that have been built up over a long period of time reside. Changing things about yourself can be painful, look at addiction. Something habitual that you've believed for years is a lot like an addiction. In that without it, your body/mind doesn't know what to do. So it fights back and says: "NO, THIS IS THE WAY I AM!"
So why do I bring this up?
Well just like most things I've been writing about during this process, I found this bit of understanding staring me in the face. I didn't make a post last night and I didn't do my exercises even though one of my intentions for this week is to get back on track with my 100 Day Challenge.
So here I am with some free time after a test in my Astrobiology class telling my subconscious: "NO, YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO!"
We'll see what happens over the next little while. My Sensei Mr. Smith has told me a few times that it takes 21 days to form an initial habit, then another 21 days to push that new way of thinking into your subconscious. So I'll be putting that to the test over the next three weeks.
On another note, I started reorganizing my bedroom. I bought a TV stand and put it together yesterday (rather than doing homework though) and I arranged my room. Of course something still feels off with the way it's configured. I've got some more ideas and going to play around with them while I finish cleaning out my closets. I'm hoping it will make my room feel more comfortable.
Which on the subject, is something I remembered from my personality test. It said that I need my home life to private and feel comfortable. My bedroom has really been anything but. Part of it, I'm sure has been having a Queen size bed in the room. The location of which is dictated by the ability to open the door But I found a spot that seems to work, now I don't think my TV works being positioned next to my bed. So I'm going to try and move it to another corer toward the foot of my bed. My problem there becomes playing video games on the TV which is something else I'd like to be able to do in the room. I have a banana chair, but the situating everything seems like it's going to be a bit tricky, while keeping access to my closets. Well at least one of them, the other is just being used for storage right now.
Alright well time for class.
Everyone make it a great one!